well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
