when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
