Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
