Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
