the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
