I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
