I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
