it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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