hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
