Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
