Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
