worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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