Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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