I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
