watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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