We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
