Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
