How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
