remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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