How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
