I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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