I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
