She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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