i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
