got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
