I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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