Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
