I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
