I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
