We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
