Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
