I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
