He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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