i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
