the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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