so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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