Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
