she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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