I got chris browned last night
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
