Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
