so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
