I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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