I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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