i wish peter jackson would direct porn
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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