Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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