Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
