Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
