she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
