Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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