we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
