The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
