it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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