Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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